"I am. I am. I am."

Train thoughts.

16. October 2014

I needed to write. Something, anything. I needed to create, to produce a fathomable part of me. Lately I have been feeling flimsy, flakey, nonexistent. I haven’t been playing a role in my own life and ever since about a week ago I have felt quite hopeless and deranged. I feel as if I have been soaked in a steaming pool of dirty dish water, and squeezed and rung out until I was a floppy little dish towel thrown to the bottom of the dirty laundry pile. I feel gross, I feel unworthy I feel lazy, I feel undeserving…but why? I needed to write- I needed to see if I could figure this out through some form of stream of consciousness. I am sitting here on the 5:53 peak train to Poughkeepsie (my stop is Beacon) and for the first time in a long time I feel at peace. I like the color of my nails as they tip tap away on my laptop (which I am entirely thankful for). I like the way my iced coffee- which was really too expensive for me to have bought- tastes as it slides over my tongue and down my throat. I like the train sounds, as the wheels roar faster and faster and chug along the tracks. I like the way the happy clouds’ pink hue radiates in front of the unhappy clouds which emit a gray somber glow. I like the way the trees wave at me, I like the way the old man sitting next to me reads his paper, and the way his friend hides their beers whenever the train conductor walks by. I like the way the houses that line the river are glowing with the liveliness of a week night. I like everything right now, and it has been so long since I liked anything at all. Especially myself. I have long since been starring at myself in mirrors, imploring change, demanding change! I want to be something! No…I must be something, someone! Why do I go to school 5 days a week? Why am I a resident assistant? Why do I work on broadway? Why to I go to the gym, go to yoga, take showers, brush my teeth, if not to be something?! Every morning I wake up to the plinking tunes of my alarm, I get up, and I start to run. Then at night I lay down, rest a while, get up, and repeat the pattern. I am in a constant marathon; running, sprinting, shoving old women and small children out of my way to get the prize and I WILL GET THAT PRIZE! Because I must! Because I have to! But…why? What is this prize that I so feverishly chase after day to day, year after year? Never pausing, never breathing? (I often have to remind myself to breathe, I put “Breathe” on my “To - do” list). What for? Myself? My family? or the future hopes of one? God? This is where the problem lies. I wake up every day and from the time I wake up to the time I am going to bed I am working towards something, yet, I don’t know what it is that I am working for. Everything I do I do because it is “good for my future” or it is teaching me a lesson, or it is making me stronger. My days, my current everyday life is preparation for my future, which is fantastic! But I now realize that I am living everyday for something that isn’t even guaranteed-the future. I have no now, I only have a then. I do not live for anything but my next day. And what is a next day, if it will be spent thinking about the next? (Nothing). So, essentially I am not living but moving. I am not being but existing. I don’t wake up with a goal for the day, but a goal for the future, a goal for the week. My To-do lists are usually never ending because they can span up to a month’s worth of things. What if every morning I woke with a daily purpose? To inspire someone, to make someone smile? To love someone? To love myself even (woah imagine that). What if every day I woke up with a goal that will benefit me then and there, because after all isn’t me today, me tomorrow? Why not treat my current self with care, why not love today? Why not live today? I find the reason I get so caught up in life, and guilt, and consequences is because I often look too much at the big picture. If I were to just handle each day, as it came, eating life one bite at a time perhaps I would be less stressed, thus leading me to be more open minded, leading me to be more loving, leading me to learn to love myself, leading me to be able to love others more truly, leading everyone involved to be loved, leading us to be cared for, leading us to be happy… Maybe- just maybe- if I stopped, and breathed, and enjoyed I could learn to exist. Perhaps, I could learn to live- truly, wholly, and entirely.